You Can’t Go Back, But You Can Build Forward
An issue on learning to build forward this season, and an invitation to join From Merry to Mourning: Strategies for Navigating the Holidays
💌 For The Mourning Manager™ Community
Hello there,
Before we begin this week’s issue, I want to thank you for being part of The Mourning Manager™ community. Each week, more leaders and readers join this space to explore what it means to navigate leadership and loss with honesty, practicality, and care.
I’m also deeply grateful to share that The Mourning Manager™ debuted in its launch week at #31 on Substack’s Rising Newsletters in Business, a meaningful affirmation that we are on track with our focus and meeting this moment with purpose.
This one feels like a real-time reality for November and beyond. “Building Forward” is not just a theme; it is something I am actively practicing in my own life as the holidays approach.
Thank you for reading, sharing, and being part of this growing community of leaders who are learning to honor both their humanity and their leadership.
Now, here is this week’s issue.
🖤 You Can’t Go Back, But You Can Build Forward
I remember talking to someone, though to be honest, because of grief brain fog (that is another newsletter issue for another day), I cannot even remember who. They told me that grief and missing my mom are not things I will ever get over. You simply learn to live with them.
And they were right.
That conversation freed me from the idea that time would somehow erase the ache, or that healing meant not missing her anymore. Even now, nearly two years later, I still feel that ache, especially on quiet days when I instinctively reach for the phone to call her.
The key in that statement, though, is learn to live with it.
That is something grief often convinces us we cannot do, particularly during the holiday season.
Recently, I was talking with my son. Because I had him young, he was especially close to my mom. Last year was our first set of holidays without her. This year, he is in a new city with a new job, and the other day he said, “I realized earlier this week that the holidays will not be the same. I remember when we would go to Big Mommy’s house (great-grandmas) for the holidays when I was growing up; then it moved to grandma’s house. And I just realized it will be another different now for our family. Not bad, but just different.”
That last part stayed with me.
Different is not bad, but it can bring a mix of emotions, grief, gratitude, and even guilt. When we are dealing with loss, whether it is a loved one, a relationship, a role, or even a version of ourselves, there is a distinct before and after.
For me, there is before Mom passed and after Mom passed. That moment marked a shift in who I am, how I think, and how I lead.
After experiencing several kinds of loss over the years, I have realized that the goal is not to get “back to normal.” It is to build a new way. It’s never normal that she is not here.
And as I have read, reflected, and talked with others navigating their own afters, I have learned a few things about how we can begin building forward, especially during the holidays when it all seems to resurface.
Three Things That Help Me Build Forward
1️⃣ The empty chair is real.
No matter your family or faith tradition, certain moments will feel emptier. It might be a missing loved one, a lost role, or a season that looks nothing like last year. Acknowledging it helps you plan for it. For me, that meant choosing what to preserve and where I could allow something new. Sometimes that is a small tweak to an old tradition; other times, it is creating something new altogether. Reflection first, planning second.
2️⃣ Choose what to carry forward and what to set down.
After loss, we often try to carry everything: old expectations, emotional weight, and other people’s comfort. But building forward requires choices. What do you want to protect? What no longer fits? Letting go is not forgetting, it is creating room for what is next.
3️⃣ Plan for both steadiness and softness.
You cannot schedule grief, but you can prepare for the moments that tend to stir it up. Whether it is a song, a smell, or a gathering, plan your support around it. Leaders are planners by nature. This is another kind of planning, one that honors your humanity as much as your responsibilities.
As I have continued to rebuild, I have realized that healing is not about choosing between what was and what is next. It is often about holding both. I have also learned to appreciate a good blend (or the both/and as I often say!).
There are traditions I still honor because they bring me comfort and connection to my mom. Sometimes it is something simple, like the red roses I always sent her, which I now keep around during the holidays. Other times it is a favorite dish we shared, alongside something entirely new.
Whatever “different” looks like for you, it is okay. The heart of it all is learning to keep living while honoring what still lives in you.
Different does not have to mean directionless. If the holidays feel different this year, your plan should too. Not because you are trying to fix what is broken, but because you are learning to live what is real.
At The Mourning Manager™, real is our starting point. Because even when life changes everything, we still have the power to build forward together.
Take good care friends,
🖤 Carolyn’s daughter
🕯️ An Invitation: From Merry to Mourning Holiday Experience
For those navigating both leadership and loss during the holidays, this live session offers tools and guidance to help you plan with steadiness and purpose.
🕯️ From Merry to Mourning: Strategies for Navigating the Holidays
A 45-minute private (no camera required) virtual gathering for leaders, professionals, and anyone learning to lead while grieving. Includes digital Holiday Resource Guide for all attendees.
Session Dates:
🗓️ Monday, November 17 at 7:15 p.m. ET
🗓️ Tuesday, December 9 at 7:15 p.m. ET
🎧 Can’t make it live? Replay access will be available through December 31.
🖤 Access Options
Complimentary Access:
All paid and annual subscribers receive complimentary registration - check your inbox for details (a $147 value).
Early-Bird Registration:
General registration is open now for $27 through November 10, increasing to $37 after that date.
Upgrade and Attend Free:
If you would like to receive complimentary access, upgrade to an annual subscription before registering. Once your upgrade is complete, register using the promo code TMMUPGRADEACCESS and the same email address tied to your Substack account.
Because access is verified through Substack, please ensure your registration and subscriber emails match so we can confirm your complimentary seat.
This is a private session, and space is limited. Reserve your seat here.
If you lead a team or organization that would benefit from a private group session, corporate, small group, and community rates are available for a limited number of slots. Reply to this email for details.