Cancel Everything (and Other Reactions to Loss)

The Mourning Manager™ | Issue No. 1

“I am basically going to cancel everything, I already decided that on the way here” I said to my therapist in a very self-assured voice.

It was early April 2024, a few months after my mom passed. Because I was spearheading the handling of her affairs as a only child (which, thankfully, were in order but still needed to be handled), I was only just beginning to handle my grief.

I had returned to work, a big job that required me to lead publicly and guide teams forward in multiple markets. I’d eased back into public events already scheduled on my calendar, major milestones that, as head of the organization, I couldn’t opt out of.

But what I was really referring to that day was everything else, the non-essentials that had once filled my days. That included an email I’d just received from our city’s business journal letting me know I’d been named to the “Most Admired CEO” list. In a typical year, this would have been an incredible honor, something I would’ve shared widely. But my mom wasn’t here. So what was the point?

I told my therapist I planned to email the publication that evening and decline the recognition, after all, no one even knew yet.

She didn’t hesitate. “Absolutely not!” she said. “You’re going to accept the award, even if you don’t feel like it now. This isn’t just about you. It’s an opportunity for others you’ve impacted to celebrate you. You can still be proud, and sad, at the same time.”

Then she added something that has stayed with me:

“This will happen again at this point in your life and career. So let’s talk about how you’re going to live with your new reality.”

That phrase, new reality, landed hard.

Before that moment, I’d heard people talk about getting back to a “new normal” after loss, but I realized that nothing would ever be normal again. Not in the same way.

My therapist went on to share that she’d lost her own mom in high school, and that every major accomplishment since, even now, decades later, came with a twinge of longing. She said, “It’s okay that you’re not excited about the award. But it’s not okay to rob others of the chance to celebrate you because of it. You’ll regret that, and your mom wouldn’t want you to.”

I left that session still feeling numb, and part of me still wanted to press send on that decline email I had drafted prior to my appointment. But ultimately, I didn’t cancel.

And she was right. Ironically, or maybe intentionally, as a person of faith I believe divinely so, that season became one filled with unexpected wins that I can only imagine were the result of my mom whispering to God, “Throw her some lifelines- she needs some.”

It still isn’t normal that she isn’t here. It never will be. But this IS my new reality. I’m learning that the highs will always come with the pang of wishing I could share them with her. But I can’t cancel everything. I have to keep showing up, as she would want me to, and find a way to lead through it.

That’s what The Mourning Manager™ is about.

While I hold a doctorate, I’m not a therapist. This isn’t clinical advice. This is a space for practical, honest conversations about leading while living through loss, whatever form that loss takes.

For me, it was my mom. For you, it may be a loved one, a job, a marriage, a friendship, or even the version of life you thought you’d have by now. Whatever your “before” looked like, leadership doesn’t pause for loss, and neither do the people counting on you.

We’re learning how to do both: lead and grieve, manage and mend, succeed and still feel.

Thank you for taking the time to read, comment and share with the first person that comes to mind that you know can benefit from being a part of this new community.

P.S. To celebrate the launch of The Mourning Manager™, I’m making this week’s Follow-Up Note (Audio Edition) available to all subscribers. Going forward, these short reflections will be a special resource for paid subscribers, a quiet companion to each edition of The Mourning Manager, offering deeper takeaways and tools for your own “new reality.”